Mom Guilt?

I recently spent 24 hours alone with my 16 year old daughter, Eden. We had the BEST time together! We went kayaking, went out to dinner, stayed in a fancy B&B, and went shopping. We really packed a lot into a short time. But wait—I have 4 daughters. How did I pick just one of them to be with?

Here’s how it happened—Earlier this spring I took my youngest daughter, Lily, along to Massachusetts to bring another daughter, Ellen, home from college. To be honest, I didn’t ask Eden if she wanted to go. 1. She doesn’t like long car trips and 2. I only had space to take along one daughter. After the fact Eden admitted that she didn’t want to go, BUT she would have liked to be asked. About a month later I booked a beach vacation. Turns out, it was the same week as the camp that Eden had her heart set on attending this year. Truth be told, she preferred going to camp and is not the biggest beach fan so it wasn’t as big a deal as one might think. When we reunited after the week of beach/camp I proposed to Eden that she and I plan a short getaway, just the two of us. Eden likes to describe this as our “Mom Guilt” vacation!

She’s not totally wrong. I did feel a twinge of guilt from enjoying these vacation/times away (is bringing your kid home from college considered a vacation??) without Eden. “Guilt” is definitely one of the more prominent emotions that I experience since having kids. I know there are healthy boundaries, self-care, filling my proverbial bucket, yadayada. But I even experience guilt if someone asks to accompany me to the grocery store and I say no. I probably default to guilt frequently because I desire peace and tranquility in the lives of my loved ones. I work hard to bring that about, to the best of my ability, but obviously that’s not in my power. Frankly, there are times when the emotional needs of others are so overwhelming and I bump up against my finite-ness and that’s a hard place for me. It can also be a good reminder.

It’s in those times when my inadequacy smacks me in the face that I am reminded that no one, least of all God, expects me to fully meet the emotional/mental/physical needs of others. I’m much better at preaching about how resilience is developed in the cauldron of adversity than in being comfortable with my loved ones being in that cauldron. Enter Mom Guilt. Even while on my Mom Guilt vacation with one daughter I felt twinges of guilt for leaving 2 others at home. I haven’t even mentioned Daughter Hayley whom I’ve only seen twice this entire summer! Surely I’ve scarred her for life!

Ah, Mom Guilt. I think it also stems from believing I have more control over circumstances of life than I actually have—like an elevated sense of my ability to affect the situation. Kids will endure decisions that they label “unfair.” It’s impossible to treat all kids equally and that’s not the goal anyway. In the end my kids know beyond a doubt that I love them and I will fight for what is best for them. It’s healthier for them to see a parent that loves but is flawed. It’s in that space that they develop in resilience and courage and find God-given strength to grow. I could conclude with an exhortation to “Throw off the Mom Guilt!” but that’s easier said than done. Instead, I’ll recognize the guilt, but choose to rest in Grace instead!